Our brokenness hurts people.
I’m sorry, that is just the truth.
But it’s not the end of the story.
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“There’s a remarkable phenomenon that happens every day, all over the world, on playgrounds in every city. If you pay attention, you’ll notice it. It happens on the slides.”
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One of the beautiful things about the people showing up in my life since I began embracing everything I love and speaking the truth of my heart, is that they are all walking in this world embodying the wholeness and truth of themselves.
They are creating a living - and a life - out of all the various facets of who they are and what they value.
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Early on my journey, as I learned the truth of the nature of love that had never previously existed for me, I discovered that love and fear cannot live in the same space.
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I continue to discover the infinite ways our relentless focus on correction and criticism is not only shattering the hearts of our precious children, it’s specifically KEEPING them from being that “best“ those endeavors are intending to help them be.
It’s also what plants perfectionism in our hearts.
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Four years ago today, I heard Matthew Perryman Jones’ stunning masterpiece Land of the Living for the first time.
I had no idea that my entire life was about to change.
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For years and years, my favorite color was red.
Blood red, as they call it in one of my favorite shows I had the pleasure of seeing this weekend! You can see it reflected in the heart of the storybook cottage … From my red kitchen curtains and sink to the red poppies splashed across my comforter.
Lately, I’ve noticed another color showing up all around me ...
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When I moved into my storybook cottage, I discovered that we had a wonderful neighborhood diner. The food was absolutely fantastic, with everything made from scratch. It was music themed, and the menu was full of dishes like Barbara Streisand’s “It’s like buttah” milk Pancakes, Johnny Cash Onion Rings of Fire, and the Dolly Parton Melt, consisting of a giant breast of chicken! The walls were covered with music memorabilia, and the tables were covered with the records of various artists.
I was especially partial to the Boy George table.
I couldn’t even tell you how many hours I spent there writing rambling posts, learning that I’m allowed to ask for that table I want so I don’t feel crowded and stressed - even on a busy Saturday morning - and feeding both my body and soul as I was always greeted like family and with my regular drink order.
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I wrote these words a year ago today.
As I sit here now, the dream I speak of in the piece below - the one I could not even see - is clearer than it has ever been. I can fully imagine and see and feel every detail, in a way I have never been able to in my lifetime.
Before this chapter of my healing journey, there was such fear and trauma at the center of that dream that as deeply as I longed for it, I couldn’t get anywhere near it without being physically sick.
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I wake up every morning grasping for kind words.
I go through my memory and my phone gathering moments of kindness and love to wrap my heart in.
The silence from which my heart emerges in the morning is heavy with the energy of my young life. The voices around me were volatile and negative and angry and unkind for so many years that my heart is battered ... Covered in ancient scars, and in new wounds from those scars being ripped open by perceived abandonment or judgment or unkind words.
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On this beautiful Valentine’s Day, I decided I would treat myself to a nice lunch, and write a valentine to my heart.
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“When I am down, and oh my soul, so weary,
When troubles come, and my heart burdened be,
Then I am still, and wait here in the silence
Until you come and sit awhile with me.”
That beautiful song from Josh Groban came up in the shuffle this weekend, stopping me in my tracks as it always does because it brings my friend Miles Adcox to mind.
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“Choose someone who has been influential in your life, and reimagine them as an animal."
There was only one choice for me; one soul in the universe has been infinitely more powerful and deeply healing than every other soul combined.
As he came to my mind, I was stunned to watch these words spill forth in their entirety ... Before my three minutes were even up.
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Four years ago, I made the decision to embrace everything I was feeling for a man I barely knew.
While it was completely from afar and remains so to this day, that decision changed every single thing, and that love has been the center of my healing and discovery.
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I spent the vast majority of my life feeling worthless and repulsive and fundamentally wrong in this world.
These things were so fundamental that I didn’t even think about them ... They felt every bit as true and unquestioned and far from my consciousness as gravity.
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